v1. 3.27.22
Then I understood the true fate of Orpheus, That love is a constant terror of loss.
Everything in this life has some kind of an opposite. There can be no heaven without hell, no good and without evil, there can be no highs without lows. There can be no love without the risk of loss, joy without the risk of pain.
It’s reminiscent of coins, you know, like heads or tails, two sides of the same thing to get the full picture. It’s a package deal, to get this one thing, you must experience the other you are also trying to avoid.
I wonder why though? Shouldn’t there be some kind of middle ground, why should it be yin and yang. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s how it should be, perhaps my thought process is too simplistic — knowing full well there is an in-between, a choking feeling, an uncertainty, some shades of gray, some kind of excitement that no one can fathom or fully understand— like the dash between our birth and death. The dash that no one can fully understand, the nuances, all the regrets, and victories, secret conversations, all the laughter and tears, the life that was lived, the cut felt.
I guess, in life, we flip coins hoping to get exactly what we want, not really knowing the outcome. Do we really know? I feel like someone has decided already for us, flipping gives us the illusion of control. Determinism, free will?Anxities and self-fulling prophesies, which is it? I can’t be bothered by the details when reality persists to be noticed.
There’s so much I wanna say and write about these days. Perhaps another lightning struck my inner being. I’ve talked about grief, somewhere at some point, but these days I wonder about anticipatory grief. I feel for those who feel the pain way ahead of its time. I grieve for the happiness lost the moment people step into their fears, futures, and fantasies.
In a way, I’m the excitement and worry, as I watch myself flip my coins like everybody else. The coins we held, the stories it hold, the known unknowns. The familiar texture against our skin.
There is something bitter and sweet about coins and their collector. I can’t help but dip my finger to taste, like Winnie the Pooh and his honey.
As I journey through this life, I clasp both my hands and throw a coin into a wishing well. Hoping the universe, someday, at some point, will wish me well.
