I’ll start my post with a quote from one of my favorite authors:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
My INFJ best friend called me earlier out of nowhere — mind you, she rarely does this, so it’s big when an INFJ does something at the“heat” of the moment or something fresh outta the oven, because more often than not, they mull over things before even sharing, and at times, the cookies never get to leave the oven.
She’s currently at a crossroads, and I can feel her pain through the call as I rummage through my Fi emotional catalog, Si to what has been, and Ne for the many different ways things could possibly turn out as I map a picture of why she is feeling the way she feeling, why it’s imperative for her to do, say certain things, and why it’s important to be emotionally honest to those involved.
The thing about being an Fi dom is that I can be deeply engaged with someone’s feelings while remaining detached and objective to the issue at hand, so I needn’t worry about the implications of my brutal honesty (seasoned with salt and grace).
This is an unplanned blog post, as with most of my content, albeit, two weeks delayed. I guess I was just compelled to write and actually finish this because of my experience with the INFJs in my life — both good and bad, as with my best friend and other close friends are one. I am grateful that I don’t have to skirt around the topic, about her, about MBTI, about enneagram or about anything else, we’re pretty much almost always on the same page written by the same author but of a different ink.
We met when we were around 13, and now in our very late 20s, though, most of the deep friendships I’ve known them a minimum of 3 to almost 20 years, and a number of them happen to be INFJs, aha, yes, real ones. I guess this one particular trait I’ll be writing about is a recurring pattern I’ve seen among this type where I feel most drawn towards “healing”, (I be ~ living that quack doctor, classic NF armchair psychologist, therapist life).
INFJs on holding back, a lot.
The one thing I’ve come to learn over the years is INFJs really seem to struggle with the idea of revealing their most authentic self. There’s always a sense of resistance or hesitation to reveal their truest, unfiltered, unadulterated version of themselves as well as being honest about what they feel. The irony of having a “judging” (or otherwise known as a deciding function) is that INFJs (um, along with ENTPs, INTJs, ENFJs, ESTPs etc.) tend to really fear judgment or be misunderstood for their authentic self, feelings, intentions, and thoughts.
They're highly aware that it is not as pretty as they portray themselves to be. Or worse, they know how judgmental or quietly critical they can be towards others and so the cycle of “fearing” what we do to others as we do it ourselves tends to occur. Most often, it starts with distrust, either from a betrayal of trust, a judgment made when they were younger, whichever the root cause may be, this type, along with, say ENTPs tend to pride themselves in being able to read people which bred this inclination to make certain predictions and projections of their fears and behavior. You know how “we know people all too well” kinda thing, until, well, they surprise you?
The unusual plethora of INFJs throughout my life allowed me to see enough to see some variants yet manifest the same patterns, and we’ve all somewhat had this discussion of this fear that who they are, what they think, or what they say, might not be what others want to hear or what them to be. I guess any type with Fe struggle with, unknowingly or unknowingly, even more so with Fe doms/aux.
As in, forsaking themselves for the sake of external harmony, even if it means not being in harmony with themselves by having to social maneuver their way into achieving a sense togetherness or adhering to social niceties even in the midst of differences sounds quite contradictory considering how Fe desires everyone to get along in the midst of these differences yet won’t notice that they too, can be a part of this narrative, this picture of being “different” or “saying no” or “disagreeing” or “leaving” is perfectly okay at times and it happens.
Perhaps that’s why inasmuch as my INFJ friends push or encourage me to believe in myself and make something out of myself, I too, am compelled to push and encourage them to be okay with the idea of vulnerability, to actually speak out, to disagree, to say no, to leave, or to say what you actually want and what you actually mean.
Many people don’t get past the walls built by an INFJ because partly, besides the bad experiences in the past, it may also be due to the fact they have chosen or anticipated the disappointment that a person might feel (or disappointment they’d feel) once they’ve revealed a certain part of themselves.
It’s true, they do feel alienated most of the time, going through life believing that no one can really understand them — however, part and parcel of this is because they have alienated themselves as a means of self-preservation.
My dear INFJs, in order to be seen or understood, it will require of you a level of vulnerability on your end too — perhaps you will miss the chance of the very few being able to accept and love you despite the flaws kept hidden under the image constructed. And yes, it may be true that that is you too, but there’re many aspects to you that others might find beautiful, even if it’s rather dark or chaotic.
Sometimes, you just have to say it, even if it’s easier said than done. No amount of self-help books or podcasts will do it, you have to do it yourself, which trickles down to doing it for others as well (this will offer a lot of clarity from the misunderstandings never revisited or swept under the rug).
The reality is that not everyone can read our minds (speaking from an introverted feeler and intuitive), and so some situations require us to just outright say the things need to be said instead of holding back or resorting to passive aggression, emotional distancing, and withdrawal, or worse, the dreaded door slamming.
May you take the risk and give a select people, an opportunity to see a glimpse of what you are, without the pretense. And for those who are friends with an INFJ, make sure to listen, inquire, not interrupt, and don’t dismiss. The times they do actually open up is also a gateway to building that trust and confidence around the relationship you have with them.
Also, if you’re curious, my INFJ best friend heeded my advice, she finally spoke out and did the thing necessary. The worst possible outcome she had feared of happening didn’t actually happen. She perfectly fine now and is free.
